| Early Birthday wishes |
[Jun. 5th, 2008|05:16 pm] |
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Dear Melanie, Happy Birthday tomorrow. May all your dreams come true. e. |
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| earthly aspirations |
[Apr. 23rd, 2008|06:22 pm] |
Melanie your words are beautiful they are healing and life giving. I have been dying as long as I have been alive. I have been separate from myself protecting a sense of an injured self. I have lived a life with no clear sense of self until I left my family. I could only be myself when I could live away from the damaging influence of my family. This is why I so easily connected with Bee. Instead of being taught to live and to nurture ourselves we were punished, abused, and taught to hate our very selves. When others did not punish us we punished ourselves for that was all we knew how to do and was what we were taught life was about. We knew nothing of a self only a lack of, an outline of a body only there to be used by others.
I was lucky to physically escape but emotionally I was still trapped in the memories of being used, objectified, and taught not to trust my very own nature. I can't lie and say that I am fully healed and true to my own inner nature but I am open to learning and life and I learn when I read your words of healing and health. And Bee taught me to love myself and to begin learning how to leave the pain and sadness outside the body. She is and will always Bee in my thoughts and heart and my soul. My life is intertwined with hers and our lives continue but with more tears, more yearning, and more love for the life that God has given me and proud of the choices I have made in this life. Life continues to be hard without her the heartache unyielding the tears like rivers.
I still remember what I owe you and it is my own computer illiteracy which has thus far prevented me from giving you what you need. I will work to alleviate this. Is there an address I can write to you at and send you things? e. |
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| Find what is lost |
[Apr. 22nd, 2008|02:25 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  apathetic | ] |
What is lost is my life. What is lost is my love. What is lost cannot be described in a sentence or a book. What is lost is a beautiful future full of pain and beauty. What is lost is shattered before me in a million shiny pieces and what is unmade can never be made again. I ask myself would I be happy in another life. I wish I had someone to tell me that everything will be alright. e. |
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| friendship |
[Aug. 12th, 2007|09:06 pm] |
Eric Vergin 3009 Daniels Ct. Bellingham, WA. 98229 and my email address is ericvargene@Yahoo.com
Where are you? I have the CD's for you also. |
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| Halleluiah |
[Aug. 6th, 2007|03:55 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | the spheres | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Suzanne Vega, Tom's Diner | ] |
There is much to be thankful for and to celebrate
there is here and now and tomorrow and yesterday and all the other yesterdays which when all lined up expresses my life in all its vagaries and forms.
I do not do what I need to do and I don't know what prevents me.
The fog around me has a clarity I am not used to encountering
I am thinking of your voice... |
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| living on the fringe |
[Aug. 6th, 2007|03:30 am] |
I slip silently past guards barriers and alarms
to lie in secret gardens
to love myself in others
to watch amazed at others in myself
to cut off and be cut off
to live a void and to avoid
to not forget the words which singe
to slip once more into forgetfulness |
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| Broken egg shells |
[Oct. 12th, 2006|08:25 pm] |
Dear Friend. I am sorry that I have not sent you what I promised I would. I know this music will led you through joy and sorrow as it has me. I will soon send you also about 20 of her personal compilation CD's. Music but with little information about it. Her collection of atmospheric, indian, and collection of sad melodies are especially good. I will send this soon. I know how important it is to you to hear her music.
I have not been available to anyone recently. I started crying last Friday and it has continued unabated this past week. I am missing Bee so much that I am isolating myself in my room at my mothers house and writing e-mails to Bee's therapist. It is sad. The state is finished and I won't hear back from them. It is such a shame that her family turned me away after she died. I would appreciate remaining in contact with several of her family but I believe they despise me and have had poor communication with several of her siblings. I wish they had no animosity. People can be dumb. I don't like loosing connections with people. Her family knew me well although they did not know I even existed until suddenly last October when Bee's therapist announced to her family that she was coming back to Seattle via a short trip to NYC with her boyfriend. I remember Bee's mother use to call me her manfriend. The is so much I could tell you about her life. She was all about sharing and I know that she wouldn't mind me sharing some stories with you but probably through the mail or a more private forum. It is nice to write to you. To know you are still out there somewhere in space feeling the same sadness, probably waking up with the same nightmares. She did belong to both of us and not either of us at the same time. I miss everything about her. There is nothing she would do for you if you were her friend and a friend to her is a friend for life. She is always in my prayers. Our souls are connected and death is but a brief separation, a brief parting. |
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| One lonely bee |
[Oct. 12th, 2006|07:48 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | northern home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  distressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the silence of the northern sky | ] |
Dear Bee,
I miss you. I found your old memorial webpage. I left you a message. I have been really missing you lately. I seem to find it very difficult to go on without your love, your fairness and kindness. I am forever looking around corners for woman who look like you. I think about how you are. If you still miss parts of this earth. If you miss me like I miss you. You are always in my thoughts, in my heart, and in my dreams. There is no one for me but you, darling. Always yours, E. |
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| Building from the ground up. |
[Sep. 4th, 2006|02:25 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Freedom | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  calm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | What occurs within | ] |
I will be constructing things. Not the least of which will be my life. I can no longer wait for life to catch up with me but must be proactive in constructing a new life. It will be constructed along with all fine art. Form will follow function. Life will beget new life. Love will continue to blossom and enjoy a fruitful life within me. I will continue to reach out to my love and seek comfort, joy, and love from her. For she is me. Death will have no dominion. And fear will have no toehold in my life. Truth and honesty will be my pledge. Courage will be garnered by giving up control. My life is in God's hands. He will mold and shape me. Through the age old methods of love and adversity I will be shown to be eternal and full of grace. Materialism will fade being replaced by spirit and courage, love and truth, sacrifice and giving. I am fully visible yet I do not stand apart from the birds and trees around me. I blend into the scenery for I do belong in this world. Not a separate entity from what I observe around me. The observer becomes the observed. The lover becomes the loved. Life becomes living. The path is golden and clear even on the darkest night. The sand feels smooth and natural between my toes as I walk the deserted beautiful beaches in the moonlight. The surf shines silver beneath the moon and the water washes up to tickle my feet and then retreat to the glossy eternal depths. Sandpipers stroll in the distance. The sound of my footsteps obscured by the wash of the tide. |
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| Craziness |
[Sep. 4th, 2006|01:41 am] |
You have to be a little eccentric or crazy to survive in this world. In a world were children are harmed with impunity by adults. Where drug possession will garner you more time in prison then manslaughter or rape. Where the majority of young African American males in Los Angeles have been to jail or prison. Where minorities are discriminated against in all areas. Where violence and killing is glorified in movies, television and in sports. Where the only news you hear is always about someone being killed or indicted for a criminal offense or sexual misdeeds. Where no one believes that the problems we face today will be solved or even addressed through politics or government but power is still equated with political clout and financial influence. Where consumerism is king and what you wear and how you appear is more important to others then who you are and what you stand for in your life. In a society (this country and much of western society) so backward and out of control being crazy is not only an asset but an essential part of living each day.
So yes I am crazy. At least I am not complacent which is ultimately the worst killer of all. To not think for yourself and not make your own decisions about life is the worse of all possible sins. We are not cattle. We are human beings. May be if we start another war or focus hate upon another people we can forget all our troubles and the problems in our society and in the world at large that we do not even attempt to address.
P.S. beware of Mad Cow Disease and the Bird Flu. If all this doesn't get you the fear and paranoia will incapacitate you. Seen on a bumper sticker recently, "A normal person is just someone you don't know very well." |
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| A ghost between two worlds |
[Aug. 19th, 2006|05:59 pm] |
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The past is not the past as the present is not an emerging process but a stagnation. Moments seem like years. The body moves past the mind to emerge on the other side and draw the mind ever into a swirling vortex. The sandstorm is blowing etching its way through skin and tears into flesh, bone, and soul. Gravity pulls ever downward drowning those innocent and guilty into the grave. There is no turning back but in the choas all directions are lost. There is only movement. Pause. Movement again. Pause. Turning of the head to judge distance and direction but a hand is raised to shield the eyes from the stinging pellets of sand gently pushing them aside and continuing. The sand has no reason for its movement. I become that which I fight against. |
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| My best friend is gone |
[Aug. 10th, 2006|06:58 pm] |
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My best friend and love is gone. I am here. I miss her for she was so much a part of me. We shared such a close loving relationship. We weren't two we were one. Now I am alone and nothing has meaning. The sadness is overwhelming and without medication my mind is lost. There are no words to convey the emptiness I feel inside or the complete loneliness I feel now and will always feel. I know myself well enough to know that I won't just move on and get on with my life. I will forever be changed and transformed. I will be a better person but a sadder more lonely person. Traits that have always been a dominate part of my life already are more intensified. I will never let my love die for her and devoutly wish to be in her arms for eternity. The life I will lead will be quiet and I will chose to be alone the rest of my life. I don't seek others out nor will I look for someone to share my life with. It would not be fair to someone else to share only a part of me because most of whom I am and the best parts of me died with her. There is only sadness. Joy in the love we shared but sadness in that we did not have a full life together. I am sadness personified. |
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| What amounts to life |
[Aug. 8th, 2006|02:33 pm] |
I live in a quasi-basement apartment where the rent is cheap and this attracts a lot of cultural diversity which I really like. I am not one for high priced cars and show for show sake. I believe in two things, love and art, beauty. And beauty is in the eye of the beholder not for comparison.
It is the third time I rented from this particular landlord. I pay the rent in person each month and the windows of the building are painted with the words, "Slumlord." I guess you can say they don't maintain their properties but it is not the management companies fault. The person who owns the property like many businessman want maximum profit with minimum expenditures. I ran and owned one business and currently work maintaining and renting two properties and this is not my philosophy. I have always believed that you treat people with respect and you receive this back. This is not to say that in any city in this country that you walk down the street with a smile on your face. I really live at night and my dress corresponds. I look like you don't want to fuck with me because although I am not paranoid I have been on my own all my life and I know how to take care of myself. This all seems a little disjointed but the point I am making is that I often live in darkness. My bedroom is underground with a concrete light-drainage shaft with a sump pump on the bottom. I am thankful for the little light and the air circulation in the summer is a saving grace although 96 has been the hottest day this summer and we have only had one or two heat waves.
I stay up late and fall asleep just as it is getting light. I have either worked swing shift until midnight or worked all through the night. Seattle is so far north only parts of Maine are further north and in the winter it is absolutely dark at 4:30 PM and gets light at 8 AM nearly sixteen hours of darkness for 4 or more months out of the year. That is why people here drink so much coffee they don't get the needed vitamins from the sunlight and in the winter the sun is so low in the sky it provides no heat. The pacific determines the weather here and it is always in the forties in the winter with much rain. This year it rained 37 straight days. It rained longer then that but they determine rain in only significant amounts. But in my lifetime the weather has changed here and it is warming up. The winters are not as cold and it has been 70 degrees in November. When I was young it rained from October to the end of June and summer was July, August, Sept. It still generally follows that pattern but it rains half as much as it use to. In the sixties you could see the snow clear white in the mountains but now everything is orange in the distance. Car pollution. Let's get rid of these things and use electric cars and live in smaller communities linked by trains. It would bring back small business and get ride of the Wal-marts, Circuit Cities, Pet Smart and all the warehouse low paying businesses. People are business not corporations. I respect Bill Gates for his humanitarian efforts but his business dealings are anything but fair or honesty to other companies and his company and Boeing have out priced all housing in Seattle that no one can afford to buy a house and the poorer people are being pushed further from the city with horrible transportation policies. We have the second worse traffic in the nation with no solution in site. Earthquakes are our major concern now and two major arteries will need to be replaced which has raised the gas prices 6 cents a gallon. It is needed. Our sales tax is the highest in the nation, 8.9% which adds up when you buy a high priced item. Enough of the ranting. I won't live here all my life. I enjoy the culture but the traffic jams and poor air quality and high price of housing is not worth it. I want to live in the country and own a small farm with goats, chickens, and plenty of vegetables and fruit trees. This is my dream and this is what I am working for. |
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| Ellysian fields |
[Aug. 8th, 2006|03:57 am] |
Sleep is elusive like trying to take a look at yourself but your mind wanders to what you're wearing or what responsibilities you have the day. Sleep is nightly death and is greatly feared and does not come naturally or for want of rest. I open the bottle a mixture of pills from doctors long ago and anti-anxiety pills former friends gave me before they learned that I have feelings and don't plan who I am going to love. I take two not knowing what they are and too tired to care. I just want the thoughts to cease and the body to disappear till morning. Most likely I will be up until the local bakery opens at 6 to buy some fresh Cinnamon roles. Bee would appreciate that and would want her share and then try and talk me into going to get her crumpets. I would go.
Tonight in a all night drugstore at 1AM I thought I recognized a young woman from my past. A woman I loved but she was involved at the time. She wanted me to make love to her but would not let me kiss or hold her it was too impersonal for me so we remained good friends until one day she disappeared. In the drug store tonight I looked disheveled and hardened but thought about walking up to her. I believe she recognized me as I was looking at Hot Wheels, toys, a fascination for me, my childlike personality exposed.
I decided not to walk up to her, to many days have gone by and we are different people. I would not want to disturb a stranger in a drug store at 1. But would I want her to walk up to me and start a conversation? In the past we were too similar and loved one another too much to let physical attraction distract our love and friendship. Another lost friend.
I am in several worlds and neither world at the same time. A limbo with no past or future just an endless now. I eat an avocado to ward off the sleepiness. Maybe I won't make the bakery after all. Why aren't there all night bakery's and easier ways of reaching out to others without self doubts circling in the head. I don't understand much of what I do anymore or why I do it. I have many plans for the future but the hardest thing I have to deal with is this person I call myself. There is no living with him and no getting away from him. I am free in my dream life somehow this three dimensional life with cause and effect does not quiet work for me. I would rather walk through endless fields of barley beyond time and walk along the ocean beach without a soul around and I would disappear except my feet as they walked along the sand making footprints and shells and interesting rocks would announce themselves to me.
I live by myself and enjoy the solitude but miss her next to me in bed. It was the only time I really felt safe and comfortable to sleep. When she lay there with her Norwegian hat on and ice crystal pajamas after I fed, bathed her, and put her to bed I could lay next to her and sleep also. We were one. Indivisible. Without her visible presence I call out to her in the darkness to help me rest because I am not okay by myself. My solitude is full of sorrow. I open the bottle to take another pill and ask her to lay next to me. It is bedtime. |
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| A love which never dies, a promise always kept. |
[Aug. 7th, 2006|09:24 pm] |
Ours is a love which never grows old, is never forgotten or betrayed by life's vagueness.
My hope is renewed in her love and eternal life. Her pain is gone and what remains is a shared grief. We grieve for the life and love we could of shared through the years but she would not be Bee if she did not carry the pain which defined and consumed her. I would not have fallen in love without her great need to be loved and cared for. Our memories are of such love and devotion that they seem more real then the lone life I live now. She is my wife. I married her in God's eyes the day before she left. She waited for me to tell her that it was okay to leave, that I would always love her whether she stayed in this world or moved on to the next. This I promised to her and this promise binds me to her more than ever and keeps her love alive in my soul. I will not forget the love we shared, the times we spent together. The mutual pain that bound us together and the sleep that healed our souls in the morning. The time we spent talking seriously about love and life. Plans for the future we could never make because of the pain she felt which consumed and often took her from me. I held her, I loved her, I protected and cherished her and I continue to hold her. Her life was my life and her death was my death. Each night I cry in fear and ask her to be near me. I cannot live without her next to me. I knew someday I would have to give her up and from the beginning I knew that she wasn't going to make it but I tried to drag her through each day and each crisis. With only love and hope as my tools I wanted her to continue her life with me but I confided many times to her my knowledge that she needed more then I could give her. I would be old someday while she was still young. She wanted and I understood her need to seek relationships and friendships outside of our life together. Her happiness was always paramount. I have many regrets but loving her and continuing to love her is not one of them. She is the true love of my life and I dedicate the rest of my life to loving her and having her love fill my life with renewal, hope, and love. She makes me feel so loved and young inside. What she has taught me about life would fill volumes and what I taught her about love I hope made her life a little richer in the short time she was in this world. I could refuse her nothing because she was perfect she needed not to change for me to love her. I wanted her to be happier for her own self but I loved and continue to love her for who she was. I cared for her more then I cared for myself. She is always with me as I am always with her. It is said that when two truly love each other then when one cries the other tastes salt. I will never stop crying and I also taste salt. Good night Bee. I love you. E. |
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| August love |
[Aug. 4th, 2006|03:29 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | calm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Pete Townshed | ] |
My body aches.
It feels battered and broken.
It has taken hits from giants to those who think they're Napoleon.
Its been bruised from head to toe, sprained, broken, stitched, and cut.
It takes rest restlessly and unwilling.
It sees visions and echoes which are not there.
its been pushed beyond endurance and tested over and over without failure and
been given little in return for its efforts but more punishment.
But it remains and holds forth against the elements.
Time is not its enemy but molds it anew into a stronger form.
Like those ancient cypresses along the rocky desert mounts bent through age and element.
The pain will always be there like a friend who never leaves your side or a companion who always looks into your eyes to really see if you're expressing the truth about yourself.
There is nothing it has not felt nor expressed.
It has lived and died many times and continues on unfaltering like a seagull riding the ocean breezes.
It holds nothing in but grief, and that, it slowly releases through every cell and every tear it sheds.
It holds nothing sacred but love and emotions like hate and jealousy are foreign to it.
its perfection is absolute but a perfection built of weakness, isolation and hurt.
It bends in the wind but never breaks.
It is God's perfect gift.
It is me. |
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| Clarity |
[Aug. 2nd, 2006|11:19 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Home; Seattle | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | calm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Sounds of the seashore | ] |
I am thinking some what clearly. Can we ever say we have perfect clarity of thought except when our vision is on the world around us? My thinking this past month is been horrific. My vision became Van Gogh like and all I wanted to do was observe and draw but this soon turned into the worst nightmare imaginable filled with many dark thoughts. My recent clarity hopefully will last and allow me the time to properly mourn and cry and begin to heal all the pent up pain inside. I have a long way to go but all the friends that have stayed with me have helped me focus on taking care of myself in the ways I need to. For all you that have stood by me and continue to stand by me thank you from the bottom of my heart. It is a slow transition from, "the land of darkness and of gloom. The Black, disordered land where darkness is the only light." |
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| And the beat goes on |
[Jul. 26th, 2006|01:27 am] |
I am living between homes and enjoying the best of both worlds. I am truly hebrew, a wanderer, and I finally feel free in my wanderlust. The things I need in life I carry with me and most important I carry the love I have for my dearly departed wife in my heart forever. People have tried their best to destroy me for no other reason then the guilt in their own hearts. It is not my fault if they could not love what was so easily lovable. Love has always been the answer for me and it continues to be the reason I am still here. It is sad that I cannot talk with or contact individuals I still care about but it is a fact of life there are those who still want to destroy me or will be made tools of destruction. I am finished with all that. There are a few people who have always stood by me and believed in me and those are my true friends. I love everyone. I have no hard feelings. I am sad of course and will always bee sad but I am also happy and will be happy the rest of my days. I feel I am blessed for having found such a special love as hers. May she rest peacefully and happily knowing that I will love her for who she was and what she has given me in life. No one loved me like she did and took such good care of me. I miss her with all my heart and soul but know that she is alive and happy with the Lord. I will see you again some day and I want you to be proud of the direction I am going in life. And to all my friends and backers who have stayed with me and continue to stay with me through these real hard times. I love you and am in your debt. You keep me sane and alive. No mean feat nowadays. Keep on keeping on. We will all receive our rewards in the afterlife. With much love and affection. E. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 25th, 2006|07:33 am] |
My mind is in charge and my body follows suit. I am almost always in need of company to stay whole and together. It is okay when I fragment I don't need a coherent whole. I can be pieces like a broken mirror on the ground shining with a thousand reflections from the sun. I have eyes but cannot see. I have feelings but cannot feel. |
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| the sound that I hear is her singing |
[Jul. 5th, 2006|08:26 pm] |
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On her computer: listen in isolation and peace. Divine Revelations a Divine Revelation of Hell at Spirit Lessons.Com by Mary K. Baxter. |
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joytruthlove's journal
contemplative
drained